Red Back in the Saddle...

I am sure that you all have heard about most of the nasties that await you when you arrive in the Land Down Undah... crocs, snakes, Tasmanian Devils, bats, cassowaries, lizards and insanely huge spiders. All of my Aussie mates have a love hate relationship with their country's nasty dwellers. I find it quite endearing that they even write funny folk songs about them. Most of my "Yank" friends have informed me that they have a severe phobia of "sniiiiikes." (snakes) Which is so amusing since the chance of a face to face or more like a face to foot "barney" (fight) with a sniiiike is quite rare unless you are out in the bush and you're "as game as a piss ant." (Really daring). Now, let me tell you what you should have a healthy respect for when you do overcome all of your other fears and finally visit Oz.

The Red-back Spider, found only in Australia, looks similar to a black widow spider. It is one of the most dangerous spiders in Australia and packs a neurotoxic venom in its bite when it "chucks a wobbly" (loses its temper) that can ruin your day... fair dinkum...you' d be "on a sticky wicket" for sure! (in trouble) 

The red-back is found in all regions of Australia. Some common hiding places for the "more front than Myers"  (very cheeky) red-back would include under rocks in the garden, wood piles, near rubbish bins, windowsills, lawn chairs and furniture, inside the shed and of course the "Great Australian Dunny" (the outhouse).

The female red-back is larger than the male, has a red stripe on its back and she takes husband abuse to a whole new level as she eats him for "tuckah" after they mate. I wouldn't want to go with her on a blind date...So no surprise here... if you are bitten by a red-back spider... it is a female. But "don't get off of your bike about it" (don't fret) there is an anti-venom that is as common as a Four & Twenty meat pie. (readily available)


I am ending today with the "ridgy didge" (genuine) folk song about the elusive red-back spider. 

Important Note: When you come to Australia don't worry so much about where you walk... worry about where you sit down!

There was a red-back on the toilet seat, 
When I went out last night,
I didn't see him in the dark,
But boy! I felt his bite!
I jumped high up into the air,
And when I hit the ground,
That crafty red-back spider,
Wasn't nowhere to be found.


There was a red-back on the toilet seat,
When I was there last night,
I didn't see him in the dark,
But boy! I felt his bite!
And now I'm ere in 'ospital,
A sad and sorry plight,
And I curse the red-back spider,
On the toilet seat last night.


Rushin in to the missus,
Told 'er just where I'd been bit,
She grabbed the cut-throat razor blade,
And I nearly took a fit.
I said, " Just forget what's on yer mind,
And call the doctor please,
"Cause I've got a feeling that yer cure,
Is worse than the disease."


I can't lay down, I can't sit up,
And I don't know what to do,
And all the nurses think it's funny,
But that's not my point of view.
I tell you it's embarrasing,
(And that's to say the least)
That I'm too sick to eat a bite,
While that spider had a feast!


And when I get back home again,
I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll make that red-back suffer,
For the pain I'm goin' through,
I've 'ad so many needles,
That I'm lookin' like a sieve,
And I promise you that the spider,
Hasn't very long to live!


There was a red-back on the toilet seat,

When I was there last night,

I didn't see him in the dark,

But boy! I felt his bite!

And now I'm ere in 'ospital

A sad and sorry plight,

And I curse the red-back spider,

On the toilet seat last night.

Is Their Cheese Too Tasty?

The other day my Mom decided that she wanted to make her famous quiche Loraine for some of our mates. So she went to the "Larry Lamour" (store) in search of her favorite cheese... french Gruyere. After she had a long "Captain Cook" (look) with no luck she finally flagged down a clerk and asked for some help. "Excuse me, do you carry Gruyere cheese?" The young man gave Mom a blank look. (This is a look we are quite familiar with since we apparently speak a foreign language here in Australia...) "I'm sorry, I don't undehstand 'ya. "(This is a phrase we are quite familiar with since we again, speak a foreign language here in Australia...) Anyway, Mom repeated very slowly in her best Aussie "accent," "I'm lookin' foh Gruyeah cheese, mate. " To this the polite young man replied, "Ahhh, cheese!" Follow me, dahlin!" So we followed the clerk for a bit and found ourselves standing in front of the cold cheese section of the store. "The bulk of the cheeses are he'a and we have the fancy cheese in another spot. Whad'ya say yur lookin' foh?" With that, Mom said again very, very slowly... "Gruuuuyehhh cheese. It's from France." The man with the apron studied the cheeses for a bit and said, "Okay, let's have a "squizz" (look)...

Here's how the rest of the conversation went...

Clerk:  "We have"Tasty" cheese..."

Mom:  "No thank you, I need Gruyere."

Clerk: "Ohhhhh, 'ow 'bout "Light n' Tasty" cheese?"

Mom: "No, it really needs to be a very strong cheese."

Clerk: "Oh, a strong cheese? Got the perfect one.. this "Extra Tasty" cheese will do the trick!"

Mom: "Nope, sorry, it's kind of important for this recipe to have Gruyere cheese."

Clerk: "Oh, oh, okay, sorry about that, I know... what about "Sharp and Tasty" cheese? It's a "you beaut" cheese!"

Mom: "I'm really looking for a cheese without the

word "Tasty" in it's title..."

Clerk: "Well, we have Parmesan cheese and Mozzarella, why don't make a pizza... the kiddies love pizza... especially when you use Tasty cheese!"

Mom: "Maaaate... I'm looking for Gruyere cheese! I'm sure that the cheese is very tasty! But, the recipe is very specific, Gruyere cheese."

Needless to say, Mom did not get her Gruyere cheese that day. We came home with an assortment of tasty cheeses and enjoyed a lovely pizza dinner, macaroni and cheese and veggie lasagna that week. And for the record, the cheese is really quite "more-ish" (wanting lots more of it.) In fact, we are all hooked on it now and Mom has finally learned to adapt and even uses it in all of her quiche recipes.

Speaking of strong cheese, maybe that explains all of the problems our neighbors have been having lately with clever and elusive mice. Here in the Aussie bush you have an assortment of mouse trapping gear that you can use. There is the glue trap, or glue board which is similar to a fly strip. You can also choose an electronic trap that leaves the mouse "up a creek without a paddle." My personal favorite is the humane approach that uses a live trap that you can then relocate the mouse back into the wild hopefully, far away from your home. Of course, there is also the traditional snap trap that you might be familiar with from movies or Tom & Jerry cartoons. I think this type of trap is "as weak as a wet whistle." (Click the link to see our Aussie Strong mouse is action... you may be compelled to turn it off after the little bloke seems doomed... but don't... it has a surprise ending!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDwg-qgq1vk

Shocking isn't it? Even that little mouse bloke knew the benefits of a strong tasty cheese! Make sure you get your hands on some of that when you land "Down Undah!" Funny coincidence... we are having Mac and Cheese for tea tonight! Hoo Roo!

Go On... Crack the Whip!

My next door neighbor, who is one of my best mates, is also a very talented bloke. He is a skilled stockman's whip maker. Here in Oz if you want to get an animal or even somebody who is “a sandwich short of a picnic” (a bit slow) to “do a nickwhoop (depart) then you need to run out today and buy yourself an Australian stockwhip.

The Australian Stockwhip 

is used by “drovers” (experienced stockmen) for “mustering” (gathering) a “mob” (herd) of cattle. The stockwhip is also like a drover’s cell phone and is used to keep in contact with other riders. The whip is an essential part of the mounted stockmen’s gear and is can also be used as a weapon against a “stroppy” (angry) snake, to lead a horse or dog, or to count the mob… by tying one knot for every head of livestock counted. Pretty clever eh?

I was always used to the American style of whip, which is made of inexpensive nylon. Here in Oz most of the whips are made of cattle hide. The “you beaut” (best, most expensive) whips are made of kangaroo leather but since kangaroos are a native animal and there seem to be millions of cattle here... they stick with the cowhide. (By the way, there are millions of kangaroos here as well.)

The common stockwhip is made of a stiff handle and braided leather that tapers down to a “cracker.” 

The standard Australian stockwhip is 6 feet long. (1.8metres) If you’re a strapping bloke or Sheila on horseback then you would need a larger and heavier whip.  Smaller and lighter whips that are designed for crowded places like cattle yards are called yard whips. These whips are swift and easy to use. I actually own a kangaroo hide yard whip… it’s great fun and is a true blue Aussie skill. Now all I need is a horse…

There are 5 parts to the Australian Stockwhip, the stock (the handle), the keeper, the thong, the fall and the cracker.

How to Crack a Stockwhip

Here in Australia you can watch heaps of people cracking their stockwhips at many tourist attractions. But, I have never seen anyone crack a whip with such ease as our mate, Keith who sells exquisite whips that his brother makes. Keith is so relaxed and he just makes it look… “too easy.” 

Now, for all of you guys out there reading, you know you have secretly always wanted to be able to crack a whip...

Well, now I am going to tell you how to do it and my mate, Keith is going to show you how to do it so you can all get practicing! 

The main techniques used when whipcracking are the cattleman's crack and round yard. The sound is created when the velocity of the cracker breaks the sound barrier and creates a sonic boom... how totally cool is that? The cracker at top speed can achieve more than 3 times the speed of sound... that's just so impressive! 

Cattleman's Crack

The whip is swung backwards over the shoulder and then sharply forward.

Round yard

The whip cracker spins the whip counter-clockwise over his/her head. When the whip is approximately 90 degrees to the right of the whip cracker. Then the whip cracker swings the whip in the opposite direction. It is one of the simplest techniques, but it is one if the loudest techniques used when whip cracking.

So... if you're looking for a great party trick that only requires numerous hours of practice... get yourself an Aussie stockman's whip. But, I must warn you be prepared for the intense bashing you'll receive from your whip until you are a true stockman whip master! Hoo Roo!

P.S. For a "small shipping and handling fee... ha, ha!" I will take orders for your whips. By the way a good stockman's whip can cost upwards of $300 to $400 dollars. I have seen some amazing whips that go for close to $1000!

* Info gathered from Wikipedia...

 

"Cheese and Kisses, That's the Missus..."

Here in Australia, we have started a tradition of a weekly gathering on Sunday "arvo" (afternoon) called C.H.A.T.A. That stands for Coffee Hour At The Allen's. Even though we now rotate between houses it is still called C.H.A.T.A. Anyways, here's the gist of it. All of the ladies that attend bring delightful snacks... like delectable slices (with whipped cream) and scones (with jam and whipped cream), or piklets (mini pancakes with jam and whipped cream.) The Aussies love their "cream" they have to have it served with anything sweet. At first, I found it repulsive but now I'm getting used it and it's not so bad. My sister is a cream-a-holic. Sis... the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem...

Okay, so here is how C.H.A.T.A. works... you have all of these lovely nibbly desserts and sometimes someone is brave enough to bring something savory to cut through the sugar high. Then we all have some sort of a "cuppa" and sit and "have a yarn" (chat) about what's been going on in our lives. At sometime during C.H.A.T.A. Dad will announce out of the blue, "Okay, it's time for highlight of the week!" and he chooses someone at random to tell what their "highlight" of the previous week was. 

This is what is so great about C.H.A.T.A. We sit there with all of our Australian friends talking about their daily lives using extremely "colorful" Aussie slang... and every now and then someone in my family bursts out laughing when one of the Aussies says something foreign to us. For example... This last Sunday one of our main topics was that we have all had a mouse in the  house to deal with and one of our neighbors was talking about one of her friends and said "Oh, if so and so had a mouse in her house... she'd have kittens!" and Mom started cracking up. Then another friend was talking about someone he'd met that was a bit "strange" and he calmly said to us...

"This jolly bloke is a full blown, fair dinkum, "raisins for eyes" fruitcake!"

I thought Mom was going to "lose the plot" right then and there. Funny, they all look at us like, "What are you guys laughing at?" and then they realize what they've said. I find the Australian slanguage to be so delightful and amusing and I can't wait until we have C.H.A.T.A. again! (Only 5 more days to go...)

Another interesting component of the Australian slanguage is "rhyming slang." Now, my American friends, you probably have never heard of this but it is so creative. Basically, whatever you want to say, you just rhyme it with something else. This actually came over from the English as it was popular in England in the 1800's. For example: I'm goin' to have a "Dad and Dave" (shave) so I can kiss me "cheese and kisses" (that's the missus - or wife.) 

"Put your hands in your skyrocket mate, it's your Wally Grout!"

Which means: Put your hand in your pocket, friend, it's your turn to "shout" (pay the bill)

You get the idea. I've added a list of some of the popular rhyming slang for you guys to have a go at... have fun with it. How 'bout you invite some mates over for Sunday arvo and av'ago trying them out on them. Hoo Roo!

List of Australian Rhyming Slang

• Al Capone - "telephone"
• I'm up the apples and pears - "up the stairs" 
• bag of fruit - "suit" as in suit and tie
• Barry - a "shocker," a poor performance, from the Australian crooner and actor Barry Crocker.
• Barry Beath - teeth
• billy lids - "kids" 
• Blundstone (boot) - "ute", utility vehicle, a tradesman's vehicle, from a popular brand of workman's boots.
• boat race - the "face"
• bread crumb - a "bum," a derelict
• Bugs Bunny - "money"
• butcher's (hook) - "crook", ill, unwell"
• cheese and kisses - "missus" or wife
• china plate - "mate", friend
• Dad n Dave - "shave"
• Darby and Joan - "all alone"
• dead horse or race horse - "tomato sauce (pronounced source)"
• dig in the grave - "shave"
• dog and bone - "telephone"
• dog's eye - a "pie", as in "I'll 'ave a dog's eye 'n' dead 'orse."
• dog's eye with dead horse - a meat pie with tomato sauce 
• Do you want some Mary Lee? - "tea"
• Don't forget your stay afloat - "don't forget your coat"
• drinking with Pat Malone - "drinking alone"
• Eau-de-Cologne - "phone" 
• Fiddly-did - "quid" - after a one pound note. 
• frog and toad - "road", usually in the phrase "hit the frog 'n 'toad" (that is depart)
• froth and bubble - "trouble"
• Get some mother and daughter - "fetch some water"
• ginger (ale) - "tail", as in "Get off me ginger!" (stop following me), or "a swift kick up the ginger".
• gingerbeer – "engineer"
• Give us a Nellie Bligh - "meat pie"
• goanna - a "piano" (pronounced "pianner").
• good cheer - "beer"
• hammer (and tack) - "back"
• Harold Holt or Harry Holt- "salt" (no longer commonly used but is still understood by most Australians); to disappear, to bolt, to depart quickly (as in to do a/the Harold (Holt)); referring to the Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt who disappeared while swimming at a beach in 1967
• He's a pain in the Gregory Peck - "pain in the neck"
• hi diddle diddle - "middle", particularly in Aussie Rules Football
• He's having a Barry Crocker - "a shocker, bad time"
• Joe Baxi - "taxi"
• - "go for a look"
• I got here on my mad mike - "a push bike (bicycle)"
• I'll light the Nellie McGuire - "light the fire"
• I'll fix your Jack and Jill - "pay for the bill"
• I've got to catch the bread and jam - "the tram"
• Joe Blake - a "snake"
• Johnny Raper - "paper", a newspaper, from the Australian rugby league footballer Johnny Raper.
• Johnny Horner - "corner"
• Knees - "please"
• loaf of bread - "head"
• Morton Bay fig - a "wig"
• My sky rocket - "my hip pocket"
• Ned Kelly - "belly"
• Noah's Ark - a "shark"
• Onkaparinga - "finger", after place in South Australia and blanket manufacturer
• Oxford scholar - a "dollar"
• Pat (Malone) - "on one's own", as in "left him on his Pat Malone".
• Play the goanna - "play the piano (pronounced "pianna")
• potato peeler - "Sheila" (pronounced Sheeler... a woman)
• porky pie - "lie", typically a white lie, as in "When I looked into it I realised the whole story was a porky pie". 
• red hots - the "trots", that is, trotting horse races or Diarrhea.
• Reg Grundy's - "undies"
• rock and roll - the "dole", unemployment benefits, social security payments
• rubbity or rubbity-dub - a "pub"
• sausage roll – "goal", as in
• Shut the Rosie O'Moore - "shut the door"
• Time to go to the soapy sapple - "chapel"
• Trick cyclist - "psychiatrist"
• trouble and strife  - "wife"

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Somewhere over the rainbow, 

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of,

Once in a lullaby...

This is the "dinky di" (original) song sung in The Wizard of Oz by Judy Garland in 1939. It's seventy years later and I know that this place really does exist in Oz. Today I am going to let you in on a little secret... it's an amazing place that we have to visit every few months because it is just well, "bonzer!" (Excellent) Too right!

Rainbow Beach is a town on the coast in Queensland about 1 1/2 hours from where I live or 3 hours away depending on how you intend to get there. This quaint little beach town has 999 people. (What? Do they purposely keep it under 1000? They are saving a place for me.) The town's name comes from the multi-colored rainbow sand dunes in the area. Kabi legend has it that the dunes were colored when a spirit represented by a rainbow, named Yiningie, fell to his death into the cliffs after battling with an evil tribesman.

The rich content of the minerals zircon, rutile, ilmenite and monazite that are found in the sand give the sand their spectrum of colors. Rainbow Beach was founded in 1969 and was originally a sand mining community... oh, I am so surprised at that! But now the town relies fully on tourism to keep it alive.

Okay, the brilliant sand colors are very cool, but here's the coolest thing about Rainbow Beach. If you have a 4-wheel drive you can get there by driving on the beach. This can get really amusing because the beach "drivers" have their OWN road rules on the sand and are "as game as Ned Kelly." (daring).

It takes about 40  minutes to get to Rainbow Beach on the sand but you can stop along the way and "take a squizz" (take a look) at the breathtaking scenery.

Be sure to bring along some plastic Ziploc bags or bottles so you can take some sand home and make a sand art bottle! And don't forget your "togs" (bathing suit), "Esky" (Eskimo cooler) and a nice picnic lunch because there is a beautiful lighthouse point called Double Island Point that is a must see.

Pods of dolphins frolic around below in the surf while you sit and gaze out across the azure sea and that's "as rare as hen's teeth" in the U.S. You can also visit Fraser Island from Inskip Point, just north of town. (Fraser Island is where all of the dingoes are.) Stay tuned in to my blog for more info on the dingoes.

One thing to remember... it is crucial that you check the tide charts and choose a day that has the largest window of opportunity for you to get there and get back.

We have seen heaps of people that got "bogged" (stuck) or didn't allow themselves enough time to get back and are now in the "Rainbow Beach Parking Lot" where the Pacific Ocean gives their car "a gobful." (a lot of abuse.)

Don't worry though, if you visit us, we'll take you to Rainbow Beach with our unofficial "guardian angel" who always takes very good care of all of us!

For more information about Rainbow Beach visit the official tourism website.

Gympie Cooloola Tourism

Facts today are from Wikipedia... Thanks Wiki!

The "Jackass" That Lives In Our Neighborhood...

I love all of those Bob Hope & Bing Crosby movies... you know, the "Road" movies. The other day Mom and I were watching the "Road to Bali" and we heard some kookaburras laughing in the movie. F.Y.I... for the "Yanks" reading... kookaburras are native to Eastern Australia, they don't live in Africa and aren't really in Tarzan movies. I used to always think those calls were some weird kind of monkeys in the African jungle until I moved here to Oz!

If you live out "in the bush" in Australia you don't have any need for an alarm clock. The Kookaburra also known as "The Laughing Kookaburra," "The Laughing Jackass," and "Hawkesbury Clock," are members of the kingfisher family. They get up before the sun comes up and make sure you do too! Kookaburras usually live in groups of three or more. We must be really "tinny" (lucky) here because our kookaburra family has about ten members. They have established our thirty acres as their "humpy" (home) and every morning they fly to each corner and announce to everyone that this land is theirs. It starts at about 5 am and goes on for about two hours. When I first moved here, I couldn't go back to sleep from the "dog's breakfast" (state of chaos) from these little guys. Now, after a year in Oz, I find it quite relaxing.

Click on the link to see the kookaburra in action. Remember, times that by ten and let it play for 2 hours to get the full effect of what we experience each day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0ZbykXlg6Q

Every morning at approximately 8:30 am, my Mom has to go out and feed "the family" which consists of Edison, Nobel and their babies. (We name all of our birds after famous inventors... except for our King Parrots, "Elvis & Priscilla.") First thing in the morning these birds "could eat a horse and chase the rider!" (They are absolutely famished.) Our kookaburra friends have become so used to us that we can hand feed them and pat them now.

Kookaburras are "true blue" Aussies because they have "smoko" twice a day just like we do. They usually eat some kind of meat... lizards and snakes are the main staples in their diet. But, there's no way Mom is going to pick up either one of those so they just get strip steak from us that they proceed to beat to a pulp on our deck. Kookaburras are great hunters and we have seen them kill snakes by carrying them up very high in the sky and letting them drop to the ground. Then, of course, they have to beat them to a pulp before they will eat them. It's pretty interesting and also a "fair cow" (disagreeable thing) at same time. Every day Edison tenderizes his "tucker" (food) on our deck and he doesn't "give a bugger" (couldn't care less) when we all stand there and watch him.

Click on the link to watch the newest method of tenderizing meat!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH5SuRj-6Mc

I guess now that you've read today's blog you realize that we don't have a "jackass" living in our neighborhood... we have ten! Another thing we don't have is an alarm clock... and I don't think we will ever need one!

"The Race That Stops A Nation"

The 1st Tuesday in November in Australia isn't election day like it is in the U.S. It's Melbourne Cup Day. It is ALWAYS Melbourne Cup Day and this year is the 150th...
  

"Race That Stops A Nation..."

Now, I didn't really believe that any nation would stop for a horse race until I experienced Melbourne Cup Day. At approximately 3pm on the first Tuesday in November, time stands still down here in Australia. Everyone just stops what they are doing and either listens to the radio or watches the horse race. Cab drivers stop. Grocery stores stop. Schools stop. It's incredible... it's like you are living in The Twilight Zone for a couple of minutes. Your heart pounds with the horses' hooves and you hold your breath until the winner crosses the finish line.

Here's some tidbits about the Melbourne Cup...*

The Melbourne Cup is probably the most popular spectator event in Australia. It is a race for three-year-olds and over, for a distance of 3,200 meters and is held at The Flemington Racecourse. This race is the most prestigious and by far the richest "two mile" handicap race in the world. Total prize money for the 2010 race will be AUD $6,000,000.

The current trophy is made up of 34 pieces of 18-carat gold that is hand beaten for over 200 hours valuing the trophy at $125,000. Race-goers dress up in formal wear and outlandish attire all trying to win the prestigious fashion awards that take place on the lawn. The record crowd for spectators was 122,736 in 2003 and has grown considerably each year. The Flemington Racecourse now requires race-goers to pre-purchase tickets.

Since the whole nation watches the race and not everyone has money down on a horse, I always thought that it would be much more interesting if the owners came up with better names for the announcers to read during the race to make it more interesting for those of us who aren't gamblers. This is how my "imaginary" Melbourne Cup race would go down...

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen the horses are ready to go and THEY'RE OFF! It's Murphy's Law, Skinny Legs, What's the Cow Say, That's What She Said, Hey, Where's My Pie and I've Been Abducted By An Alien, followed by I'm Comin', I'm Comin'... around the first bend it's Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers alongside No Pictures Please and That's What She Said. Skinny Legs moves up and passes Hey, Where's My Pie and I've Been Abducted By An Alien and That's What She Said. It's Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, No Pictures Please. Round the last turn vying for first it's Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, No Pictures Please, I'm Comin' I'm Comin' and I've Been Abducted By An Alien. Where's My Pie is coming on fast moving past I'm Comin' I'm Comin' and I've Been Abducted By An Alien. Where's My Pie is in the lead and it's... it's... No Pictures Please! WHAT A RACE FOLKS!"

Now that would be a horse race to remember! So, if anyone out there knows any trainers or horse owners who want some unusual names for their upcoming "hopefuls" tell them to give me a call... Hoo Roo! I have to go and make my hat.

*Tidbits are from Wikipedia... 

So You Wanna Talk Like An Aussie?

What is it about the Australian slang that we love so much? Is it in the laid back delivery from the typical light-hearted Aussie? Whatever it is, everyone wants to speak like an Australian. This will take you years of practice. First, you have to throw the letter "R" out of the alphabet. *** There are exceptions to this rule. Second, you have to jumble all of the words together and delete most of the commas. And third, your must shorten all words (even people's names) or phrases because time is precious here in Oz and they have better things to do... like having a barby, (bar-b-que) a cuppa, (smoko) going to the beach or the pub or hanging out with their mates. I have been living "down undah" for a while now and I am still hearing new twists on words and strange and unusual phrases everyday.

** The exceptions to the dismissal of the letter "R"- If you say a word that ends in an "A" or an "AW" well, most of the time, you add an "R." For Example:

China = Chiner

Saw = Sawer

Canada = Canader

Tostada = Tostader
Spa = Spar 

You get my drift. Go ahead... your first lesson towards becoming an Aussie linguist. Now, remember, anywhere else an "R" appears in a word... you just omit it and pretend there is an "H" there instead. For Example:

Car = Cah

Star = Stah
Ladder = Laddah
Bird = Bihd

Water = Waddah

Tucker = Tuckah (Which is food here in Oz)

Okay, the next lesson for today is a really simple one. You just shorten everyone's name. Sometimes you can add a "za" at the end to be real flash. (Don't forget to take out the "R" and add the "H." For Example:

Gary = Gaz or Gazza

Jerry = Jez or Jezza

Rosanne = Zan or Zaza
Colin = Col

Confusion will occur because most phrases are said fairly fast and all joined together.... like this: 

"Hey, owyagoin, mate? 

Wanna 'ava cuppa dis arvo?"

Which means... Hello, friend! How are you?
Would you like to join me for a hot drink this afternoon?

Many words are very close but mean completely different things. For example: avo, arvo, avago...

Avo = Avocado

Arvo = Afternoon

Avago = To have a turn at something - Have a go

So, you see my American mates, it will take you a long time to master the fine art of Aussie "Strine." I have included a poem written by W.T. Goodge. He arrived in Sydney from London in 1882 and went "walkabout" around New South Wales for twelve years before becoming a journalist. For the nine years prior to his death he wrote a column for the Sydney Truth about the "doings" of an imaginary drinking group, the Gimcrack Club. He is best known for his book, The Great Australian Adjective. Norman Lindsay considered him one of Australia's best writers of light verse. He died in 1909. This poem is "Australian as meat pie!" (Authentically Australian) I think you will enjoy it...

THE AUSTRALIAN SLANGUAGE by W.T. Goodge

"Tis the everyday Australian
   Has a language of his own,
Has a language, or a slanguage,
   Which can simply stand alone.
And a "dickon pitch to kid us"
   Is a synonym for "lie",
And to "nark it" means to stop it,
   And to "nit it" means to fly.

And a bosom friend's a "cobber,"
   And a horse a "prad" or "moke,"
While a casual acquaintance
   Is a "joker" or a "bloke."
And his lady-love's his "donah"
   or his "clinah" or his "tart"
Or his "little bit o' muslin,"
   As it used to be his "bart."

And his naming of the coinage
   Is a mystery to some,
With his "quid" and "half-a-caser"
   And his "deener" and his "scrum".
And a "tin-back" is a party
   Who's remarkable for luck,
And his food is called his "tucker"
   Or his "panem" or his "chuck".

A policeman is a "johnny"
   Or a "copman" or a "trap",
And a thing obtained on credit
   Is invariably "strap".
A conviction"s known as "trouble",
   And a gaol is called a "jug",
And a sharper is a "spieler"
   And a simpleton's a "tug".

If he hits a man in fighting
   That is what he calls a "plug",
If he borrows money from you
   He will say he "bit your lug."
And to "shake it" is to steal it,
   And to "strike it" is to beg;
And a jest is "poking borac",
   And a jester "pulls your leg".

Things are "cronk" when they go wrongly
   In the language of the "push",
But when things go as he wants 'em
   He declares it is "all cush".
When he's bright he's got a "napper",
   And he's "ratty" when he's daft,
And when looking for employment
   He is "out o' blooming graft".

And his clothes he calls his "clobber"
   Or his "togs", but what of that
When a "castor" or a "kady"
   Is the name he gives his hat!
And our undiluted English
   Is a fad to which we cling,
But the great Australian slanguage
   Is a truly awful thing!

Drop Those Oreos Now!

I was sitting at the computer wondering what I was going to write about when Bam! It hit me! Not the topic for my blog but my desperate chocolate craving...

It's funny how you get addicted to your favorite brands of chocolate. (Favourite... for the Aussies.) Before I moved to Oz mine were Nestle's Crunch Bar, Oreo Cookies, Junior Mints and last but definitely not least Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. Which, by the way is Hershey's number one selling chocolate product, who knew? I have traveled to many places in the world and of course it's a must to try all of the chocolate that the different countries offer. Now that I have indulged in the Aussie chocolates I have to report that it is the best that I have ever tasted.

"It is the chocolate pot of gold at the end of the sugar rainbow here "Down Under."

Okay, so here's the run-down of what to look for online if you live in the U.S.A... Cadbury Dairy Milk, Crunchies, Time-Out, Cherry Ripe, Picnic, Violet Crumble, Rocky Road, even chocolate covered black licorice which sounds weird but is sheer heaven! It might be kind of "exy" (expensive) to buy online but this stuff beats Belgian or Godiva chocolate hands down. Now, my American chocolate seems "bodgy" (of inferior quality to me.) If you know my Dad then you know that he is a chocoholic too. One time on a trip home he took no joke... 80 kilos of Cadbury chocolate back with him. (That's about 320 bars.) Good Onya Dad! (Well done.) He had to bribe a couple of the ticket agents with the chocolate to let him through because he was so overweight, the chocolate I mean, not Dad!

It was hard to give up Oreo's until I discovered Arnott's Tim Tams, the most indulgent biscuit in the world! What is a Tim Tam? A Tim Tam is a chocolate "bikkie" (cookie) It is made of two layers of chocolate malt biscuit, separated by a light chocolate cream filling and coated in a sinful layer of textured chocolate. There are many varieties but we love the Double Coat Tim Tam which is more stable and won't collapse. This is "good oil" (useful information) for an yummy activity at the end of my blog. A 7-ounce package of Tim Tams contains 11 biscuits which is the only major flaw with Tim Tams because it's not an even number and you have to fight for the last one! Remind me to write to Arnott's about that...

Coincidentally,  my Aussie mates, did you know that Tim Tams were named after a horse that won the Kentucky Derby in 1958? Ross Arnott attended the derby that day and thought, "What a ripper! The perfect name for my new biscuit!" According to Arnott's, 1 in every 2 households contains "a packet" of Tim Tams. One packet? Who are they kidding?  We buy them by the case for our house... Around 35 million packs are sold each year - that's nearly 400 million biscuits!

Americans, drop those Oreos now!
Your milk dunking days have ended!  

Introducing The Tim Tam Slam: the practice of drinking a hot beverage, e.g. tea, coffee, hot chocolate, Milo, chai, whatever, through a Tim Tam biscuit. It's that beautiful little bikkie right below where I'm typing... ahhh, dark chocolate... Don't you wish you could just grab it right off of the screen?

HOW TO DO A TIM TAM SLAM...

Bite off opposite corners of your favorite Tim Tam flavor. (One on the top left corner and one on the top right corner.) Remember, I told you that the Double Coated Tim Tams are more stable but if you are a risk taker - then choose the "Ridgy Didge" (original) flavor. Next, submerge one bitten off corner into your drink of choice and suck through the biscuit. The crispy biscuit inside will soften and the outer chocolate layer will begin to melt. It's best if the inside of the biscuit stays in tact long enough for you to drink your beverage. You can refrigerate them which hardens the outside coating and makes them last longer. I can never wait that long. Besides, I like to live dangerously.

On Australia Day in 2004, 200 people in a pub in England and about 30,000 people throughout the United Kingdom attempted to set a world record using Tim Tams for tea-sucking. Tea? Yuck, hot chocky is the best... but the Brit's do love their tea!

Now that I have drooled all over my Mom's keyboard... I feel the need for a Tim Tam Slam... Hoo-Roo! (See you later)