Moving Out The Squatters...

Today's blog is not for the faint hearted. Ladies, if you are prone to wild, irrational behavior at the sight of a spider, please move your drink away from your computer keyboard right now!

In Australia they have a term called a "squatter" which originated in the colonial times when people were claiming land. Now it's a term that is commonly used for someone who takes over your home. Squatters, you see take up residence when you are away. They even have "squatter's rights" to protect them. So, let me get this straight, they move into our home uninvited and we have to wait for them to leave?  

Thus began our war with the squatters...

We have a three story home here in Oz. It has beautifully crafted, ornate, wood ceilings, large rooms, an expansive view AND on our first day we also learned that it had a few unwelcome residents. You see, our home had been empty for four years and remember, we are out in "the bush." They decided to welcome us in traditional Aussie fashion! The first morning the butcher birds were singing their lovely song, and the Kookaburras were laughing... probably at the silly Americans who were going to try to live in the bush. Mom woke up with a start because a huge eyeball was staring at her between the wood boards in the roof.

Now, even though my Mom is a tomboy who doesn't get scared easily, she still woke up Dad and started to freak out. My sister and I raced frantically into her room and the commotion caused the visitor to move. Swhiiiisch, scratch, slither. Okay, was it a huge snake? It was in the roof... right above us... we could see its massive shadow moving along between the roof boards. What was this? Another one started to move across the roof above the bed. Mom jumped up out of bed and started packing. Dad tried to reassure us by saying, "Look, if it is a snake, the tin roof will make it too hot up there and it will be out as soon as the sun hits the roof. Then we can block up where it goes out." So we waited. About five minutes later this HUGE lizard (I found out later it was called a lace monitor) climbed out of the roof outside right next to Mom's window and crawled down the side of the house.  I looked at my Dad with my mouth wide open and yelled, "No, way!" Immediately after that another one did exactly the same thing! They were both about six feet long from nose to tail. To make a long story short, we nicknamed them Ricky & Lucy and it only took us four months, four carpenters and about $9,000 to get them removed. They have moved out for good and have retired somewhere on the Sunshine Coast.

After breakfast that day, we came across our next squatter. Jack was a 6 foot carpet python that had taken up residence in one of our sheds. He was "as mean as cat's piss" when we took him out. He came back to the shed about eight more times before moving in under our deck, then out into the far shed. One of our neighbors told us he found a nice girl snake and last May they moved to Bong Bong. (A real town in Oz by the way.)

By the afternoon we had removed most of the dirt, dust and cobwebs and headed down the the lowest level of our house. It was no surprise when we were greeted by a family of huntsman spiders. I said that very calmly didn't I? Let me tell you guys about Huntsman spiders. They are about the size of a grown man's hand, look scarier than a tarantula and get pretty "stroppy" (angry) when you try to relocate them somewhere else. Dad went to the local farm supply to get some spider spray and the owner there said, "Mate, we don't kill 'em! They eat about a thousand bugs everyday! Just learn to live with 'em. They've been there longer than you have." We haven't had many in the house since we have moved in but when we get one, it's "catch and release." Dad scoops it up into a Tupperware container and releases it into the wild.

Finally, I have saved the best for last. That same night Mom went to unpack her clothes into her bedroom closet and was welcomed with open arms by a light tan snake. She ran through the house screaming, "There's a snake in the closet! There's a snake in the closet!" Dad casually answered, (Since he was the snake authority now) "What kind of snake." "I don't know what kind of snake!" So Dad yells up, "Get the camera and take a picture and I will see if it's poisonous." So Mom slammed the closet shut, ran to the office, grabbed the camera and... I couldn't believe she opened the closet again, quickly took a photo of the snake and slammed the door shut again. There we were all huddled around the desk in the office looking through our "Australians... Deadly & Venomous" book trying to match our picture to the snake. It turned out to be a Coastal Taipan. They are typically 2-3 meters long and extremely venomous. The book actually said, "Dangerous: Venom strongly neurotoxin. One drop of venom is capable of killing one hundred men. I think that's a bit of overkill don't you?

Mom then did the only thing she could do at that time of night. She calmly went down into the garage and returned with numerous rolls of gray duct tape and proceeded to tape up every single crack in her room. She taped every door closed. She taped every tiny, little space between each board in the roof. She taped the windows, the closets and then she nailed them shut and announced to us, "It's me or them. Either they move, or we do."

Just for the record we stayed at our home and I am happy to report it is just the four of us and our cat and 2 dogs... I think. I must add that Mom is "grinning like a shot fox." (Very happy and satisfied.)